She tried so hard to lose herself in the role, but it had been just so awkward she knew without needing to be told that it wasnt good enough In the end they had wrapped up early with the intention of continuing again tomorrow, although Natalie didnt know if she could take another day of shooting that scene, not because the whole thing had felt awkward, that she had prepared for, what she couldnt have possibly prepared for and were struggling to handle was a very different feeling which was both unwelcome and terrifying for the actress. The unwelcome and terrifying feeling had made Natalie hesitant to except Milas invitation to come over to her hotel room for a little girl time, but Mila had worn her down and she had somehow convinced herself that it would re-establish normality between them. It didnt work. Casual conversation had felt just as awkward if not more as the earlier kissing, long pauses of deafening silence filling the air when they had spoken so freely before. Natalie. Fucking crazy that I had bigger boobs thenthan I have now. Granted, I had to cover them up because they were fakerather than letting them fly like I do now, but still, I need biggertits!! Thinking about the first time I used press on nails and tryingto get the damn glue off. What a nightmare. So funny to think aboutnow.That first night I went out. God I was so nervous. I remember talkingto Shelly and she told me I should shave every spec of hair off of mybody. Leave nothing. Eventually I did and now I'm doing laser and haveplucked my brows into short, sexy arches. You were right Shelly.Experimenting with makeup, all those nights with Shauna just messingaround and trying to get the look down. I think about all the shoppingI've done and how I'd be nervous to buy a pair of thigh highs fromKohl's when I was in boy mode, as if they even cared enough to look atwhat I was buying. So crazy to think about how far I have come. And sodepressing to think about how far I still have.
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